Time to Party

Germany is the Wurst No. 30

Election fever is in the air in Germany. Everywhere you go, you can see election posters featuring candidate headshots and extremely succinct summaries of various party platforms. Or, if you are the campaign manager for the Free Democratic Party, then creepy pictures of Christian Lindner that look more like they belong on a V for Vendetta movie poster. Political parties are out and about in a last minute effort to push their agendas and sway any undecided voters. Perhaps this is why the Green Party came knocking on my door a few weeks ago. Unfortunately for them, I had to admit that I am not yet allowed to vote in Germany, but, if it is any consolation, according to my Wahl-o-Mat results, I agree with them on 67% of major issues.

A sampling of political posters.

V for Vendetta… anyone else see it?

After all, the upcoming Bundestagswahl this Sunday is not your average parliamentary election. Originally scheduled to take place this year on September 28th, the election was moved up to February 23rd in what is called a snap election as a result of the government coalition break up last November. In a series of unfortunate events for the traffic light coalition (named after the colors of the participating political parties), Chancellor Olaf Scholz dismissed Finance Minister Christian Lindner, which caused Lindner’s Free Democratic Party (FDP) to withdraw from the government coalition with the Social Democratic Party (SPD) and the Green Party, leaving the government without a ruling majority. Depending on how German citizens vote, the election will most likely decide, among other things, on a new government coalition and Chancellor.

In case anyone is unfamiliar with the German voting system, allow me to provide a brief overview based on what I learned for my citizenship test. Germany is a democratic and federal parliamentary republic. The Bundestag (federal parliament) and the Bundesrat (the representative body of the Länder, or states) have legislative power. The government provides representation on three levels: communal, state, and federal. On the communal level, German citizens have one vote for their city or county government and mayor. In some circumstances, the mayor can be voted independently of the city government. For example, in 2022, the former mayor of Frankfurt, Peter Feldmann, insulted Eintracht Frankfurt soccer fans far and wide by greedily grabbing the Europapokal from team captain Sebastian Rode and trainer Oliver Glasner during a celebration ceremony at the Frankfurt Römer. In an unrelated incident in which Feldmann was charged with bribe allegations, but mostly because of his appalling behavior towards the soccer team, Frankfurters voted to kick Feldmann out of office the following year. Worse yet, Eintracht basically banned him from entering the soccer stadium.

The next level of government is the state level and here I will use Hessen, where I live, as an example. The Landtag (state parliament) elections take place every five years and citizens have two votes: one vote (Erststimme) for a person from their Wahlkreis (constituency) and one vote (Zweitstimme) for a party (Landesstimme) to be represented in the state parliament. Each party has a prioritized list of candidates for the Landtag and depending on how many Landesstimme votes the party gets, that determines the number of seats it wins in the Landtag. There are a minimum of 110 seats, a 5% party threshold, as well as overhang seats, but since this is not a political newsletter, I’ll stop here.

Finally, the Bundestag elections take place every four years and in the same fashion as the Landtag, citizens have one Erststimme for a person and one Zweitstimme for a party. At the federal level there are a newly mandated 630 seats with a 5% party threshold. However, unlike in the United States, Germany has a plural multi-party system, meaning that a singular party rarely has the ruling majority. As a result, German political parties have to work together to form coalitions to achieve a ruling majority, a concept that is unheard of by most American politicians. In fact, Germans like to think of creative names for their coalitions, such as the recently broken up Ampel (traffic light) coalition, or my personal favorite Jamaica, in which the Christian Democratic Union/Christian Social Union (CDU/CSU), FDP and Green Party formed a coalition. Or, if you prefer more classic politics, the CDU/CSU and SPD coalition were known as the Große Koalition (grand coalition) during the Merkel era.

Many of the people I’ve chatted with about the upcoming election are not only tired of the current government, but they are also unsure of which party to vote for. Although Germany has no shortage of minor political parties, I couldn’t help but get creative and think of some new ideas. Special thanks to Elon Musk and the xAI Grok Image Generator for not infringing on my right to free speech, since Copilot apparently does not understand satire. After all, as U.S. Vice President J.D. Vance so undiplomatically pointed out at the recent Munich Security Conference, there is allegedly no free speech in Germany anyways and nothing the U.S. can do to help. Although I tend to agree with the Green Party much more than J.D. Vance, German politicians have become quite good at ignoring fundamental public concerns. What could possibly go wrong?

Serious voting matters aside, in the spirit of the upcoming election it is time for a little bit of humor and inspiration for new political parties, which I am happy to provide suggestions for.

Biodeutsche Partei - Für die deutsche Kartoffeln (For the German Potatoes)

Biodeutsch, literally translated as “organic German,” refers to Germans who have a strictly German lineage, or, in other words, Germans who wear matching Jack Wolfskin jackets and watch Tagesschau at 8:15 PM. The term Biodeutsch has been around for a while to jokingly describe people who act like stereotypical Germans; however, it was recently voted the taboo word of the year (Unwort des Jahres) in 2024. According to the taboo jury, the expression has allegedly been used “to categorize, evaluate and discriminate against people on the basis of supposed biological descent criteria.” There are a few other less threatening ways to label stereotypical Germans, but my favorite description is Deutsche Kartoffel, or German potato. Potatoes are basically the most important food group in Germany besides schnitzel, so why not establish a political party for organic potatoes?

Spargel Partei - In Spargel We Trust

Speaking of German food groups, the most important political party that was running for Bundestag, in my opinion, was the Döner Partei. Sadly, ahead of the election, the Bundeswahlausschuss (federal election committee) determined that the Döner Partei did not meet the necessary criteria for establishing a political party, mainly due to the fact that the party had only fifteen members. Therefore, the Döner Partei voted during their Bundesparteitag (federal party conference) to dissolve the political party; however, their campaign platform remains more important than ever. The Döner Partei was campaigning for, among less pertinent issues such as future-proof infrastructure, to set the price of a Döner at €3,50. A few weeks ago, I paid €7 for a Döner on my lunch break, which is twice as much as the Döner Partei was campaigning for, so you can understand my astonishment as to why this issue has yet to be brought up in any political debates. I started to wonder if Döner is really such an important food in Germany? Sure, there was a political party representing the Döner and there was a viral rap song about rhubarb, but there is, to my knowledge, still no representation for Spargel. Nonsense! I suggest creating a Spargel Partei, as Spargel is arguably the second most important vegetable in Germany (behind organic potatoes, of course). In fact, Germans refer to the bitter, watery white Spargel stalks as das weiße Gold (white Gold). Why not start putting our money where our mouth is and bring back the (white) gold standard for the international monetary system - In Spargel We Trust!

Birthday Party - Dein Geburtstag, Dein Feiertag (Your Birthday, Your Holiday)

If you work in the German public sector, like me, then your birthday is a free day that you can take off of work without having to use any vacation days. Basically, I get thirty vacation days a year plus one extra day for my birthday, plus all the public holidays. That is, if my birthday doesn’t fall on the weekend. How unfair! The very least that employees in Germany can expect from their employers is that they get an extra day off for their birthday no matter what circumstances. Here is what the Birthday Party could propose: 1) All employees in Germany, not just the public sector, get to take their birthday as an extra day off of work. 2) If your birthday falls over the weekend, you can take off of work on either Friday or Monday. 3) If your birthday falls on a holiday, you can take a day off before or after the holiday. 4) If your birthday falls on December 24th, then you are S.O.L. Germany needs all hands on deck for this critical infrastructure day.

Reinheitsgebot Partei - Für die reine Gesundheit

We’ve already established that potatoes and asparagus are the most important vegetables in Germany, but did you know that in most restaurants, beer is less expensive than bottled water? Germans take their beer seriously; so seriously, in fact, that there is a series of regulations limiting the ingredients in beer, otherwise known as the Reinheitsgebot or purity order. The Reinheitsgebot was first adopted in Bavaria in 1516, which makes sense to me because Bavaria brews the best beer. According to the law, which was introduced in part to prevent competition with bakers for wheat and rye and ensure an affordable price for bread, the only ingredients that could be used in the production of beer were water, barley and hops. Yeast, which is also needed to bake bread, was later added to modern versions of the law after brewers discovered its use in fermentation. The law was mainly observed by brewers in Bavaria and was consistently applied throughout Germany in the early 1900s. Today, the Reinheitsgebot plays an important role in marketing beer in Germany, which reminded me of another marketing mechanism, the Nutri-Score scale that you see on most grocery products. The Nutri-Score is supposed to help consumers make healthier choices with an A - E rating. Although, there are some ratings I don’t quite understand; for example, why does regular pasta have a better rating than say, raisins, which are basically just shrivelled grapes? Not anymore! I would like to suggest a new rating based on the Reinheitsgebot. Suddenly, beer just became the healthiest choice on the menu.

To all my German friends, happy voting on Sunday! And, to my American friends, here is a reminder that the mid-terms are next year.