What is for Sale?

Germany is the Wurst No. 29

Greenland, Canada, and the Panama Canal: what do these three places have in common? They are all, for vague reasons such as freedom and national security, of vital interest to the current President of the United States, Donald Trump. According to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, the United States is interested in purchasing Greenland to protect U.S. shipping lanes in the Arctic and to prevent Chinese interests in the area. Although elected officials from both Greenland and Denmark have repeatedly insisted that Greenland is not for sale, the United States seems to be convinced otherwise. Similarly, the United States is concerned about Chinese influence over the Panama Canal, and as Trump declared during his inauguration speech, the U.S. plans on taking back the canal it gave to Panama under President Jimmy Carter in 1977. On another note, Trump recently blamed countries such as Canada for smuggling fentanyl into the United States and imposed a (now delayed by 30 days) 25% tariff on Canadian goods. Does this mean Trump has ruled out turning Canada into the 51st state and having Wayne Gretzky campaign for governor?

All this news of U.S. foreign relations got me to thinking about Germany. There is a national election coming up at the end of the month and if any political parties are hoping to win some last minute votes, perhaps they could take some power grabs out of Donald Trump’s playbook. The Trump administration seems to favour expansionism to isolationism this time around and now could be Germany’s chance to get in on the action. Sure, Germany may have a bad reputation for invading countries in Europe during WWI and WWII, but Germany lagged behind most western powers in the competition for colonial territories in the 19th century. Unlike Britain, France, or the Netherlands, Germany rather unenthusiastically set up some weak colonies in Africa and the South Pacific, all of which they were reluctant to allocate time and resources to and lost as a result of both World Wars. Therefore, I took it upon myself to think of some hypothetical real estate transactions that could be advantageous for Germany.

1. Mallorca

Sunny Mallorca

It’s been a while since I’ve made any Mallorca jokes, but I’m guessing that if Germany were to purchase any land, then Mallorca would be at the top of the list. Mallorca, or “Malle” or “Mallotza,” as it is referred to in German slang, is already considered the unofficial 17th federal state of Germany, much to the delight of the Germans and irritation of the Spanish. Each year, Mallorca welcomes 14 million tourists to the island and around 4.5 million of those visitors are German citizens. Not too shabby for an island with a population of just less than one million.

But why is Mallorca such a popular vacation destination for the Germans? The answer to that question starts with wealthy Germans traveling to the island in the 1920s and ends with Ballermann. Many believe that Polish composer Frédéric Chopin introduced mainland Europeans to Mallorca when he and his lover, George Sand, resided in Valldemossa in 1838. The word really got out after Sand wrote a book, A Winter in Mallorca, about the natural beauty of the island. Before long, artists and affluent Germans began traveling to Mallorca in the 1920s and many made the island their permanent home. Furthermore, Mallorca served as a safe haven for Germans facing persecution from the National Socialists in 1933; however, the Spanish revolution and rise of dictator Francisco Franco promptly stopped the influx of Germans seeking a free and peaceful island life. It wasn’t until after WWII and the construction of the Palma de Mallorca Airport in 1960 that German tourism picked up once again. Tourism agencies started offering vacation packages to Mallorca and due to the economic prosperity, or Wirtschaftswunder, in Germany following WWII and the implementation of the Marshall Plan, many German retirees were able to afford to trade in grey, dreary winters months in Germany for the sun in Mallorca.

How, then, did Mallorca become not only the vacation destination for German snowbirds, but also for party animals? We need to look no further than the trifecta of German party culture: 1) soccer, or Füßball, 2) Schlager (a music genre) and 3) saufen (drinking lots of alcohol). In 1972, a group of friends from Köln who played recreational football and got together to drink beer (Thekenmannschaft) took a trip to Mallorca and went on a binge drinking bender, or ballerten, at one of the local beach kiosks, Balneario 6, and thus the name Ballermann started to be used and associated with Germans drinking and partying in Mallorca. And, when partying in Germany, what kind of music pairs best with 1,0 Promille? Well, for me, it’s Pur Hitmix, which also happens to be the only song I ever request at weddings, but for most Germans, they want to hear some catchy Schlager tunes. The Schlager scene caught on not long after, with German Schlager music being played in bars and clubs and eventually, Schlager stars performing for crowds of German vacationers in Mallorca.

Understandably, excessive party tourism is unwanted by local civilians and businesses a like; however, authorities in Mallorca have had difficulties enforcing measures to curb public intoxication and partying in the streets. If Germany were to purchase Mallorca, not only could the country boost its number of sunny days per year from zero to over 300, but it could also intervene to stop any drunken antics from its citizens. After all, what is the difference between Ballermann and a Schalke vs. BVB derby game?

2. Zanzibar

Speaking of picturesque beaches, another sensible purchase, or trade, rather, for Germany could be the island of Zanzibar. In 1890, Germany and the United Kingdom signed the Heligoland–Zanzibar Treaty which gave Germany control of a strip of land in Namibia with river access, the island of Heligoland (Helgoland) in the North Sea, as well as maintaining most of German East Africa (present-day Burundi, Rwanda, the Tanzanian mainland, and small piece of land in Mozambique). In return, Germany gave up some of its territory in East Africa which was strategic for Britain to construct a railway to Lake Victoria and recognized British authority in Zanzibar. The deal was made under the imperial chancellor of the German Empire Leo von Caprivi, successor to the more pragmatic Otto von Bismarck, whose criticism of the trade led to a sentiment among imperialists that Germany had traded “trousers for a button,” insinuating that Germany had given away much of its East African territory for the tiny island of Heligoland, which is today part of the German federal state Schleswig-Holstein. In actuality, Germany never had control over Zanzibar, just mainland Tanzania, and basically agreed not to interfere with British interests, all while acquiring Heligoland, which was considered tactical to Kaiser Wilhelm II in building up the German navy. Although, I am fairly certain that there are more seals than people living on Heligoland.

3. Argentina

Germany’s colonial rule in the South Pacific and Africa unraveled after the first and second World Wars, but at least Germany got to keep Heligoland, presumably because neither Denmark nor the United Kingdom were interested in getting back an island full of seals. In the aftermath of WWII, many National Socialists tried to escape inevitable prosecution in Germany and headed to Argentina, where there was already a sizeable German population and the government was sympathetic to fascists. Today, German-Argentines are the fifth largest ethnic group in Argentina and, according to the German Federal Foreign Office, Argentina is Germany’s fourth most important trading partner in Latin America, based on what criteria exactly, I’m not sure, but it is mentioned that Germany purchases the most Argentine beef of any country in the EU. I am hesitant to make a joke that certain political parties would most likely be in favour of purchasing Argentina, because of, say, Germany’s political history with the country, but everyone in Germany is so upset right now over the prospect of mainstream politics working together with the right-wing party Alternativ für Deutschland (AfD) that I will leave the jokes aside. As we all know, Germany is very sensitive about its past, and rightly so. In fact, in preparation for my German citizenship application, I had to sign at least three different documents denouncing fascism, racism, and antisemitism. However, there is one document in which applicants who are unsure if they are indeed fascist, racist, or antisemitist can list their extremist views and activities and let their respective Regierungspräsidium decide for them, since this all seems to be a grey area these days.

4. Austria and Switzerland

Salzburg, Austria just so happens to be one of my favorite cities in the world.

Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, otherwise known under their ultra-confusing abbreviation as DACH countries (Deutschland (D), Austria (A), and Confoederatio Helvetica (CH), which is Latin for Swiss Federation) have one major thing in common: speaking the German language, that is, of course, if you can understand Switzerdütsch, which I cannot. The only thing that more strongly unifies these three countries than a shared language was the broadcasting of the German game show “Wetten, dass..?” from 1981 until 2014 (plus a yearly gig between 2021 and 2023) and the famous intro of host Thomas Gottschalk: “Ich begrüße Deutschland, Österreich, und die Schweiz!” If the DACH countries joined together as one country, they could use the Eurovision symbol for the three broadcasting companies ZDF, ORF, and SRF as their flag. Come to think of it, if Trump could consider hockey legend Wayne Gretzky to be governor of Canada, then surely Thomas Gottschalk is qualified to be the president of the newly formed DACH country; isn’t he looking for a new job these days now that everyone decided they don’t want to watch “Wetten, dass..?” anymore?

Now that I think about it, expansionism is kind of like the board game Monopoly. For example, if Germany, Austria, and Switzerland got together, maybe they could buy a hotel. Or, if the U.S. could acquire Canada as the 51st state and Greenland to secure our vital interests in the Arctic, we could get started on a street. May the country with the most hotels and streets win!