A Face is Worth a Thousand Words

Germany is the Wurst No. 28

We’ve barely made it a few weeks into the new year and now that one event from last year, the one most people around the world and anyone else who doesn’t listen to NPR thought would never happen, has actually happened. Yesterday, Donald J. Trump was inaugurated as the 47th President of the United States. He is only the second President in U.S. history to win re-election in non-consecutive terms, which I suppose can be counted among his missteps accomplishments.

If you have been following Trump in the news, then you are probably wondering about his questionable cabinet nominations, such as how the former CEO of the WWE is qualified to be the next Department of Education Secretary (“Let me tell you something Brother!”) or how his bromance with Elon Musk will play out now that Trump is back in the White House. As if the rest of the world needed a reminder of why Canada and Greenland have zero interest in becoming U.S. territories.

One thing is for certain, and that is that nothing is certain once Donald Trump really gets on a roll, especially about completely unimportant topics, such as renaming the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America. Despite the fact that most of what Trump says is basically nonsense, how he says it can be oddly entertaining. While brainstorming ways to incorporate Donald Trump into a newsletter about life in Germany, I got to thinking about what sets Trump apart from other politicians, for example, his lack of filter or his flair for exaggeration. I then came across this article from The Guardian, written way back in 2017, which provides a psychological overview of Donald Trump’s signature facial expressions. In my opinion, Trump’s facial expressions are actually quite universal and can be applied to many situations here in Germany.

The following is a list of Donald Trump’s seven signature facial expressions as identified by The Guardian, including my interpretation as to their everyday use in Germany.

1. Alpha Face

The Guardian designated the classic Trump stare as an “alpha face.” However, this type of stare is also the kind of facial expression you can expect from strangers when taking public transportation in Germany. I haven’t encountered this in a while, due to the fact that nowadays everyone is doom scrolling on their phones, but when I first moved here in 2015, I remember asking my friends and coworkers why people were staring at me on the bus, subway, or train. Usually, when most people are caught staring at someone, they immediately look away. Well, not in Germany. Here, people will hold eye contact with you for an uncomfortable amount of time, leaving you to wonder if there is merely something wrong with your appearance, or if random Germans are secretly trying to perform Jedi mind tricks.

2. Angry Face

Generally speaking, Germans are not overly emotional, unless, of course, you’re at a Bundesliga (German professional football league) game. Emotions tend to rise especially high among the super fans, known here in Frankfurt as the Ultras, or during a derby (rivalry) showdown. Although I am an Eintracht Frankfurt fan by default, I am probably most familiar with the rivalry between Schalke 04 and Borussia Dortmund, mainly due to the many years I’ve spent listening to 1Live, as introduced to me by my husband who comes from the Sektor. Derby games between these two teams are so intense, that thousands, yes, thousands of police officers are regularly deployed, as if in a state of national emergency, to keep fan groups away from each other when traveling to and from the soccer stadium. Even during regular Bundesliga games, fans are provided with special bus transportation with police escort on game days. Furthermore, the German obsession with pyrotechnics extends well beyond Silvester and into the Bundesliga season, with clubs like Eintracht Frankfurt having to pay hefty fines for continuously setting off firecrackers and smoke bombs during games. These types of shenanigans can even end up injuring players, such as the goalkeeper for VfL Bochum, who was recently hit on the head with a firecracker. What is there to be said about this type of behavior, except that “Pyrotechnic is doch kein Verbrechen.” Expect to see the “angry face” at Bundesliga games everywhere across the country when the opposing team scores a goal, or worse yet, when your team gets sent down to a lower league (absteigen).

3. Chin-Jut

If baseball is America’s favorite pastime, then complaining about anything and everything is Germany’s favorite pastime. Donald Trump’s “chin-jut” is basically just a frowny face that can be used when complaining about the weather, bad hotel frühstuck, traffic on the autobahn, masses of Dutch people who stay at ski resorts in western Germany, or the general demise of democracy in the 21st century.

4. Big Smile

I’ve written before about how important going on vacation, or Urlaub, is in German culture. There are few things that delight Germans more than planning their vacations, taking said vacations, and afterwards talking to anyone and everyone about how much they enjoyed themselves while on vacation. However, there is one aspect of Urlaub that has Germans break out in a “big smile”: Frühbucherrabatt. Every year in January, it is impossible to escape travel agency advertisements for booking your Sommerurlaub right now this very instant, or else all the good hotels in all the good travel destinations (Mallorca) will either be fully booked or extremely expensive. Hence, Frühbucherrabatt. In Germany, it is quite common to book vacations well in advance, not only to save money, but also for the sole satisfaction of Planungssicherheit (planning security). After all, there are few topics considered suitable for small talk in Germany other than Urlaub.

5. Zipped Smile

The “zipped smile,” or in my interpretation, look of incredulousness, is a facial expressions Germans use when they wonder who on earth would vote for Donald Trump as President. News flash: an alarming number of people.

6. Puckered Chin

If there was ever a German facial equivalent to the phrase “I told you so,” it would be Donald Trump’s “puckered chin” followed by the delightful feeling of Schadenfreude. One of those delightful German words that have crept into English, like Zeitgeist, Doppelgänger, or Angst, Schadenfreude is one of those particularly specific German words that describes the feeling of satisfaction at the misfortune of others. Everyone knows the feeling when someone is rude to you or you feel slighted by someone, only to feel a kind of enjoyment when that person experiences some type of failure or mishap.

7. Exaggerated Mouth

The “exaggerated mouth” is that pouty duck face Trump pulls when he wants to seem thoughtful or in disagreement. Germans have their own version, too, usually when they’re about to politely disagree with you, or when they’re pondering something deeply irrelevant. This face is often accompanied by the quintessential German word: doch. Nearly impossible to translate in a satisfying way, doch can mean “yes,” “but,” “still,” “actually,” or all of those at once. It’s used in almost any contradiction, especially with that thoughtful, pursed-lip delivery.

See? We all use the same facial expressions. Which basically means we’re all the same, me, you, Trump, the Germans. The next four years might not be that bad, right?

That might be my best joke yet.