The Merz Plan

Germany is the Wurst No. 55

In case you missed it, people in Germany are mad at the government. Again.

And to be fair, there are more than enough reasons to be angry with the German government at the moment. The economy has been stagnant for much of the last decade, infrastructure is not at all prepared for global warming, and the men’s soccer team didn’t even make it past the first knockout stage in the World Cup.

It would seem as though things are only going from bad to worse for poor old Germany, including the approval rating of German Chancellor and Resident Boomer Friedrich Merz. In fact, only 13% of participants in the latest ARD Deutschlandtrend survey are satisfied with Merz and the CDU/CSU and SPD government coalition.¹ Ouch.

But as they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. Which may be why, following the notorious Lifestyle-Teilzeit narrative earlier this year, the current government coalition presented two major reform packages with 34 proposals to pull everyone out of their misery and get Germany back on track (to where, exactly, remains to be seen).

What Germany and Merz really need now is an economic Hail Mary, or a second Wirtschaftswunder, if you will. Or at least, as Deutsche Welle reported, the government wants “to show that it can reach the kind of compromise considered to be historic.”² So it’s historic the government is going for, you say? Well, in that case, let’s take a page or two out of the recent history playbook.

In 1948, Germany was down in the dumps. Literally. Germany was a dump. In the aftermath of World War II, the country was in ruins and the United States decided to help out with an economic recovery plan. Not necessarily out of the goodness of our hearts, but to curb the imminent threat of Communism and establish Western Europe as a reliable trading partner. Under the Marshall Plan, Europe saw the fastest period of growth in history between 1948 and 1952.³ In Germany, the rapid economic expansion that followed throughout the 1950s and 1960s became known as the Wirtschaftswunder.⁴ Suddenly, people could afford to take vacations to places like Italy and Mallorca, and Schlagermusik reached its golden age.

After the turn of the 21st century, the German economy was suffering again, so much so that Germany was considered the “sick man of Europe.” Under Chancellor Gerhard Schröder, the government implemented extensive reforms as part of Agenda 2010 in an attempt to revive the German economy, largely by overhauling the labor market and welfare system. Despite being extremely controversial, Germany did at least experience lower unemployment.⁵ And, perhaps most importantly, the women’s soccer team won the World Cup in 2003 and 2007, followed by the men’s win in 2014.

While the Marshall Plan arguably rebuilt Germany and Agenda 2010, for better or worse, made some fundamental changes to the labor market, Germany is clearly overdue for another historic recovery plan. And since the current government has yet to produce a reform with any sort of historical magnitude, I took it upon myself to draft the Merz Plan.

1. All New Buildings Must Install Air Conditioning

Remember when Robert Habeck, former Federal Minister for Economic Affairs and Energy tried to implement his Heizungsgesetz (heating law) back in 2024? The originally proposed law would have required new heating systems in new development areas to be powered by at least 65 percent renewable energy starting in 2024.⁶ To me, this makes sense. New building, new heating. However, Habeck forgot to take into account one of the greatest paradoxes in German society: although Germans like rules and regulations, they do not like being told what to do.

This may be why both the Bundestag and Bundesrat recently passed the Gebäudemodernisierungsgesetz (GModG), or Building Modernization Act, which still allows new oil and gas heating systems to be installed, provided that they magically become climate neutral by 2045.⁷

But isn’t the government missing something here? What, in this day and age, is the ultimate modern luxury in Germany, other than a strong WiFi connection and working escalators?

After reaching a record high 41.8 degrees Celsius (107 degrees Fahrenheit) in Germany last month on June 28th⁸, I would like to propose the Klimaanlagegesetz (KlaaG), which mandates that all newly built or renovated buildings must install an air conditioning system. Now, I am well aware that most Germans are afraid of cold, circulated air in enclosed spaces, but since the government is so obsessed with improving national productivity, then I do believe that a small drop in the mercury would amount to a measurable increase in the national GDP.

2. Penalty Card System for Calling in Sick

One of the most controversial proposals of the new reform, and understandably the one that has people the most riled up, is requiring employees to obtain a sick note from their doctor on the first day they fall ill, rather than after the third day, which is the current standard. Moreover, people will no longer be allowed to secure sick notes over the phone and will physically have to go to the doctor’s office for their Arbeitsunfähigkeitsbescheinigung.⁹

Come to think of it, who needs big, complicated words like Arbeitsunfähigkeitsbescheinigung, anyway? Isn’t one of the goals of this reform to reduce unnecessary bureaucracy?

Therefore, I propose implementing a system that is much simpler: penalty cards like in soccer. Doctors can issue yellow cards for patients to stay home sick for one day and red cards for a whole week. Employers unhappy with a medical professional’s decision can appeal to Donald Trump by calling him up and having the red card revoked. Apparently, that’s how things are done these days.

3. Citizenship Approval in Four Months

Speaking of unnecessary bureaucracy, I have been waiting for over a year and a half for someone, anyone, to process my application for German citizenship. And quite honestly, since I am eligible for citizenship under every version of the law that has been passed within the last few years, I am starting to think that maybe my application has just gotten lost in the shuffle.

Another proposed reform measure is that many applications will be considered approved if the applicants do not receive any other notification within four months of submission.¹⁰ I would like to extend this four-month approval period to citizenship applications, as well. Or, maybe the person reviewing my application reads this newsletter and simply decided not to process it any further because I keep writing about how Germany is the wurst. Who knows?

4. Everyone has to say something nice about Friedrich Merz

While I may occasionally write about how Germany is the wurst, Germans are constantly complaining about how anything and everything is the worst. Let me tell you, complaining, or meckern, in Germany, is a national mood.

This might help explain why Friedrich Merz’s approval rating is so low. And, in effort to lift everyone’s spirits, I would like to implement a tactic from my childhood that is probably the underlying reason why Americans are always saying polite things they don’t really mean. For example, when little kids get in arguments or fights, it is a common practice for teachers to make them say something nice about the other person in a sort of half-hearted attempt at a peace treaty.

So, I volunteer to go first and say something nice about Friedrich Merz.

Friedrich Merz…

… is tall.

… has a pilot’s license.

… is from the Sauerland.

… was chairman of the board of a toilet paper company.¹¹

Shit (no pun intended).

I realize that I am simply stating facts and have nothing nice to say about Friedrich Merz. And as such, it may be best to follow the age-old American adage: if I don’t have anything nice to say, then I shouldn’t say anything at all.

Now that we have established some new reform proposals that are sure to be of historic magnitude, Germany can finally get back on track (again, I’m still not entirely sure where we are going) and begin its next Wirtschaftswunder. And with Jürgen Klopp set to take over as the new men’s national soccer team head coach, perhaps a better World Cup performance isn’t so far behind, either.

1. https://www.dw.com/en/germany-voters-are-skeptical-of-reform-proposals/a-77820573

2. Berlin Briefing Newsletter from July 7, 2026

3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marshall_Plan#Effects_and_legacy

4. https://www.britannica.com/topic/Wirtschaftswunder

5. https://www.bundeswirtschaftsministerium.de/Redaktion/DE/Artikel/Ministerium/Geschichte/21-jahrhundert-reformen.html

6. https://www.deutschlandfunk.de/heizungsgesetz-gebaeudeenergiegesetz-habeck-waermepumpe-100.html

7. https://www.dw.com/en/germany-bundestag-passes-controversial-healthcare-reform/live-77899497

8. https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Climate_of_Germany

9. https://www.bundesregierung.de/breg-de/aktuelles/reformen-rente-arbeitsmarkt-steuern-2445598

10. https://www.bundesregierung.de/breg-de/aktuelles/reformen-rente-arbeitsmarkt-steuern-2445598

11. https://www.wepa.eu/de/presse/artikel/friedrich-merz-als-aufsichtsratsvorsitzender-der-wepa-gruppe-verabschiedet