Germany's Next Top Citizen

Germany is the Wurst No. 7

It’s Thursday Tuesday again and I’m sure everyone reading this is wondering the same thing: could I be Germany’s Next Top Model Citizen? I, on the other hand, will most likely have to wait a while to become a German citizen, as I recently discovered that the position responsible for Einbürgerung, or naturalization, where I live is currently not filled.

So, without further ado, here are the highly anticipated answers to my alternative German citizenship test.

There are 16 federal states in Germany. Politically and geographically, Mallorca belongs to Spain, but culturally, it belongs to Ballermann.

There are so many things in life that are leider geil, not including the Leider Geil music video.

Trick question: according to Duden, there is no official definite article for Nutella. Therefore, das Nutella-Glas (das Glas) is always a safe bet.

So ein Käse and Quatsch mit Soße are some of my favorite ways to express frustration and disbelief. I’m guessing Germans like their sausages too much to use them in this context.

That’s right, in Germany you can get 8 cents for recycling your old beer bottles. If this doesn’t seem worth it to you, simply set down your Wegbier next to a garbage can, because Pfand gehört daneben.

Frau Merkel, a.k.a. Mutti. It could be that her close friends and family call her Angie, but who knows? Her husband’s name is Joachim, so their celebrity couple name would most likely be Joangela.

A large and awkward 80x80 cm is the standard size of most German bed pillows. Every night I ask myself why I just don’t buy a better ergonomic a smaller pillow.

If anyone is looking to start a new political party in Germany, might I suggest the Birthday Party? Part of the party’s platform could be that everyone gets a free vacation day on their birthday. Oh wait, the German public sector already has this policy.

If you have been in Germany for a decent amount of time, chances are that you have either gathered at a friend’s house or a bar to watch Tatort and drink beer on a Sunday evening.

Bonus points if you use this phrase at work at any point in Q1 or Q4.

Technically, there is no speed limit on the German autobahn; however, it is recommended to drive 130 kmh or around 80 mph. Introducing a speed limit in Germany is a contested issue, because not only do Germans have a need for speed, but they also care a little bit about the environment.

Keeping up with the sausage theme: everything has an end, only a sausage has two ends. If you are interested, here is another fine example of German music.

Mais oui, ze Baguette is from Frawnce, not Ger-man-ee.

You heard that right, average vacation time in Germany totals at six weeks. Make sure you take off at least three of the six weeks in August with the rest of Europe.

64% of the time, Deutsche Bahn is on time, every time. (Only funny if you understand the Anchorman reference).

If you answered more than half of these questions correctly, you too, could become a German citizen. Pat yourself on the back, but don’t gloat (Germans are not a proud people) and treat yourself to a Feierabendbier for successfully passing this alternative citizenship test.