Weird, Wonderful Eurovision
Germany is the Wurst No. 10
May is such a wonderful time in Germany. The weather is getting nicer, there are a bunch of public holidays, and the Eurovision Song Contest takes place.
If you don’t live in Europe (or Israel or Australia), you may have never heard of Eurovision, unless you’ve seen Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga on Netflix, which has, in my opinion, better music than Eurovision itself (I have yet to hear a Eurovision song catchier than “Jaja Ding Dong”).
Eurovision is an international song contest organized annually since 1956 by the European Broadcasting Union. Basically, all the countries in Europe, plus Israel and Australia for some reason, perform one song each, are awarded points by the other countries, and the country with the most points wins the competition and gets to host Eurovision the following year.
Germany is a member of the “Big 5,” meaning it pays some of the highest contributions to the EBU and is therefore guaranteed a spot in the final. Despite buying its way into the finals each year, Germany has only won Eurovision twice. Not only do Germans like to complain about the weather, but they also like to complain about their lack of Eurovision success.
Other countries not voting for Germany might have something to do with their contestants not being as classy as the French, as sexy as the Spanish, or as cool as the Scandinavians. Or it could be because Germany tried to invade basically every country in Europe, but I’m sure that’s all in the past.
In celebration of the Eurovision Song Contest this year, here are my top three favorite Eurovision songs:
First place definitely goes to ABBA. They are so famous that almost anyone can name at least one of their songs, but I would venture to guess that few know that ABBA got their start winning Eurovision in 1974 with the song “Waterloo.” It also happens to be one of my favorite ABBA songs, because who doesn’t like a good historical reference of French military aggression as a romantic metaphor? Not only did ABBA bring home a win for Sweden that year, but they also made Eurovision cool in a way that only Swedes can, like selling cheap, unassembled furniture with confusing assembly instructions. Fun fact: Sweden and Ireland are tied for the most wins at Eurovision, with seven each.
The first time I heard this song was on the radio in Germany. I, along with everyone else who does not speak Finnish, have absolutely no idea what this song is about. Moreover, last year’s Eurovision performance offered very few insights into the song’s context. Why is the stage set up like some kind of redneck fight ring? And why is the singer dressed and dancing like an angry leprechaun? I would have liked to see this song win the competition, but sadly, it came in second. The only real highlight of last year’s Eurovision was Ted Lasso’s boss Hannah Waddingham as one of the commentators.
This is another song I heard on the radio before realizing it was from Eurovision. In 2012, I had a summer internship in Berlin. Among other musical highlights, I saw Culcha Candela perform at the Brandenburg Gate before one of the European Championship soccer matches. Whatever happened to those guys? And by those guys, I mean both Culcha Candela and Germany’s enthusiasm for its men’s soccer team. Anyways, Loreen won the 2012 Eurovision with the song “Euphoria,” and became only the second person to win the contest twice, eleven years later in 2023, which is presumably the amount of time it took her to grow out her finger nails for her latter performance.
Honorable Mention: Isaak, “Always on the Run,” 2024 (Germany)
“Always on the Run” is a pretty solid tune, but poor Germany never really gets its due at Eurovision. Germany finished in 12th place this year, although, in my opinion, its song was significantly better than some of the other entries that finished ahead of it, like Baby Lasagne from Croatia and their song “Rim Tim Tagi Dim” which is about a country boy selling his cow and moving to the city, or Bambie Thug from Ireland, a self-described “goth gremlin goblin witch.” Finland finished well behind Germany this year; however, Windows95man is also worth mentioning; I got some serious Weird Al vibes watching that performance.
It’s weird, it’s wonderful. It’s Eurovision.