The Great Winterreifen Conspiracy

Germany is the Wurst No. 1

After my husband and I decided to trade in our environmentally friendly public transportation lifestyle for a car (sorry, Green Party), he informed me that we needed to buy Winterreifen.

“What do you mean we need Winterreifen?” I asked in what I’m sure was a completely calm, not at all irritable, and only slightly inquisitive tone.

To me, the whole concept of Winter- and Sommerreifen seems like a conspiracy theory a bit silly. Buying two sets of tires? Swapping them out twice a year “from O to O” (Oktober bis Ostern)? Storing extra tires at a car dealership, or in your garage, like us, where we keep everything except our car (please don’t tell my insurance company)? All of this ridiculousness in a city that barely gets a dusting of snow each winter.

As someone who grew up in rural north central Wisconsin, I have seen and driven in my fair share of snow, and snowstorms, during the months of October through May. Not once did I hear of anyone getting Winterreifen; putting chains on tires, yes, but not completely changing out their tires for the winter months. My tire knowledge may be minimal and extends to getting my tires rotated at Fleet Farm, but in my humble opinion, having Winterreifen is the second most unnecessary thing Germans do in the winter besides taking Umckaloabo. If you are not already following healthcare advice from Jan Böhmermann and his team of writers, I suggest you do so immediately.

The whole Winterreifen ordeal led me to think there is an entirely untapped Winterreifen market in Germany. Why hasn’t the bicycle community caught on? Hipster Germans could proudly display their Sommer- und Winterreifen next to cases of beer in their apartment entryways for all guests to see, and neighbors to complain about. It would be the perfect fusion of Winterreifen and Reinheitsgebot. Parents will buy almost anything if they think their kids need it (as a mother of two, I would know) – how about Winterreifen for strollers? Shopping carts? E-Scooters? Jump on the Winterreifen bandwagon, people! And don’t forget to buy Winterreifen for your bandwagon, too.